As a kid

I remember one day I was walking home from school and four older kids drove up on bikes. They were my classmates older brothers. They came up to me, pushed me down, took my shoes and threw them in the river.
It started raining then (hand to God).
I walked home that day sobbing in the rain...

I don't feel

I don't feel emotions.

As a kid I was beaten. At school, by my older brother and by kids from my boyscout troop.

I decided not to feel sadness, which turned into not crying, not feeling anger and eventually faking happiness. Now I don't feel anything and I feel depression trying to catch up with me again. At times I can't stop it...

This is not a cry for help

This is not a cry for help because that would be lame.
I'm going to do this, I've tried suicide 5 times and the closest I got to dying was hanging from a rope for 4 seconds.

I'm not going to back out because I have nothing to lose. I have no friends, no girlfriend, no future...